“EXCUSE ME SIR...
I couldn't help but notice that you appear to have a Railtrack official on your bonnet!
Could you please step out of the car...”
That's the best line I've ever heard from a Police officer in my time as a journalist and just one of the many surreal situations that I have found myself in over the years. It is in fact my favourite L!VE TV quote and certain to make it into my first book, which I have finally started writing!
Picture this... The year is 1996, No Doubt's single 'Just A Girl' is playing on BRMB and my company car is a shiny white N reg Suzuki Vitara, covered with manly pink exclamation marks! The 'Birmingham L!VE TV' logo is splattered liberally down both sides and a three foot long, extra girly exclamation mark adorns the bonnet like a giant advert for Femidoms.
Yes I looked like I'd just car-jacked Barbie and so it was only a matter of time before I got banged up for something.
It was however the most mundane of stories that finally tipped the balance of fate and a few humble VOX Pops (spontaneous questions put to random individuals to attain public opinion) prompted the Devil to well and truly piddle in my paddling pool.
When Birmingham City Council made the decision to flood the city with new taxi's, the existing cabbies were naturally a little miffed... In fact it would be fair to say that they were about as enthusiastic as the Polish government when they discovered that Adolf would be popping over for brunch.
Former ITN legend Mr. Kim Sabido and I had the job of interviewing them. (The cabbies, not the Polish that is) We arrived at the taxi rank outside New Street Station, snapped up some brilliant quotes and then discovered, much to our surprise, that Hitler was indeed alive and well, having joined Railtrack as a regional press officer!
Yes, the moustachio jobsworth spied us on CCTV and then, in a well thought out campaign, goose stepped his way across the concourse at lightening speed and pounced... Much to our surprise, he demanded that we immediately and unconditionally surrender our tapes to the Third Reich of Railtrack as the taxi rank was apparently on the border of the company's property.
Now, you might think that this reaction in itself was a little extreme, especially as the story had nothing to do with trains, but usually at this point, in civilised society we exchange telephone numbers and the problem goes away with a little discussion. Not so with 'Adolf the Press'...
Even though we'd handed over cards and our editors details, he refused to let us leave and so we did what and sensible news crew would do... We legged it!
Now, the taxi drivers were mildly surprised to see us staging a rather convincing re-make of the great escape, cunningly disguised as Barbie and Ken, but this was nothing compared to the surprise of our Suzuki Jeep as 'Adolf the Press' launched a totally unprovoked attack on its bonnet.
Leaping from between the parked cars like a deranged Focke-Wulf with a death wish, he soared through the air with the poise and grace of a cow in a hurricane and after a brief impression of a swimmer attempting to outrun Jaws with additional anal thrust, he landed heavily on our bonnet. Naturally, our initial reaction to this unexpected tactic was to scream like a pair of girls!
Should this ever happen to you, you will understand the true terror of a jobsworth attack and appreciate our position entirely. Now, the only sensible course of action that one may take under such extreme circumstances is of course to jet wash the man's nostrils!
This is where our story began, with two baffled Transport Police officers staring in amazement as Barbie and Ken drove past, jet washing the nasal hair of the Railtrack official on their bonnet...
Four comical hours in a cell later I was a free man once more and being interviewed myself for the evening news about the whole affair... No charges on either side and within the month Adolf the Press had been shipped off to a quieter assignment somewhere...
Kim and I dared to dream that he may have been sent to Siberia, but our experience was undoubtedly a victory for freedom of Midland press!
Tim J Morris – The Life & Times of Mr. Floppy (working title)
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